“You’ve got to tell your story!” But I didn’t want to; still don’t. It was painful then, it’s painful now, having to go back and look at the past. To recall, and recollect memories also evokes all the feelings, all the pain, all the rejection, all the secrets, all the lies. I had tried in the past to tell people what had been happening to me, but the resulting criticism eventually shamed me to silence.
I know how I got beyond the past and that’s where I want to spend my time. I want to focus on the present and move towards a promising future. However, my path seems to be attached to my past. I have come to recognize that what I dealt with, no, in fact, continue to deal with is epidemic in proportion. I came to the realization that exposing what I’ve endured could make it possible to help other victims to see there is a light at the end of the tunnel. But looking back into the past? It is beyond painful, it is agony because I have to go back into the ME that I loathed. I lied, covered up, and kept secrets. It was draining, stressful, traumatic and exhausting then. It’s exhausting, stressful and draining to reveal it now. I still live without the things that meant everything to me. My children. As I write this seven years have passed after walking out and I am still alienated from them. Family. The most important part of my life. Yet the wall of evilness that separated me from them still has not come down.
I read recently to get my eyes off myself. Focus instead on helping someone else who is in need. So that is what drives me on. That is what gives me the courage to write this blog. In the years since, these years of healing, as I continued to research through the internet and read scores of blogs, the underlying cry in comment sections tell me that I am not alone. But so often, the response, the suggestion to those comments was “get away.” Have “no contact.” “You need to focus on healing yourself.” Yes, that is true. However, there seemed to be a missing piece and when that piece finally emerged, I found understanding. With that understanding also came peace.
One of the most important aspects of healing is to understand the what. What was it that I had been immersed in? In my case, it has been lifelong. Understanding the what is part of the healing process. There is much written on the what and since there is I will not make that my primary focus. Malignant Narcissism can be researched extensively on the internet. Many articles have been written by psychologists, counselors and the victims themselves. As I said, I have researched, read, studied and explored. I found a cog in the world of psychology that I hadn’t known existed.
There is also the why. Why did this happen to me? Why was I repeatedly victimized by a number of malignant narcissists? Realizing the why is another piece of the puzzle. The matrix of the why has a good side, bad side, to it. I will explore that area more than the what because I think it’s important to realize that being chosen happens because of an innate characteristic within.
In the years of research and exploration I have read repeatedly about the what and the why. Still I felt that there was a missing link. Understanding those two aspects is educational but I still found myself thoughtful, meditating and pondering on what was missing to thoroughly move out of the trap, the victimization mindset and move into total freedom. As I continued on this journey to freedom I found a determination to step out of the fear I had lived in literally my whole life. That fear was intense. It kept me living in a prison. That prison was constructed by the perpetrators in my life. It was kept in place by the people who ridiculed and derided me when I reached out for help. It was also kept in place by me.
Why step out now? Two pieces of the puzzle have put me where I am today. These two missing pieces are what move me down the path I am on. That path is one of helping other women understand what they have been exposed to, but more importantly to help them understand how to become free, totally free from the debilitating life that can be so destructive.
The What? Being the victim of Malignant Narcissism, sometimes called sociopathy. The Why? Chances are that the why is because you are an empath, an instinctively good person. You have good qualities. You are sympathetic, compassionate and caring. So what are the two missing pieces? First, understanding not only the what but looking beyond into possible why’s a malignant narcissist has become what they are. Second, recognizing that you were victimized not because you were an easy target, but because you were so good that the malignant narcissist saw you as a target to emulate. The rub is that as the narcissist mirrored you, they eventually came to loathe what you were because they did not have those qualities, nor did they want to go through the healing stage of what made them what they are. The truth is that hurting people hurt people.
Perhaps you recognized that the Malignant Narcissist that was your partner had issues, real issues. You thought that you were going to be their savior, just like I did. You realized far too late that you were unable to help them. You struggled, got knocked down, got back up and went at it again. For some, like me, it was a lifetime. However, like me you found that your only recourse for your safety, your sanity, for your well-being was to move on.
Join me, won’t you? As I continue to unravel my past within this blog. I believe it will shed light on the darkness you’ve endured. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Will you permit me to show you how I moved from the darkness of a life of victimization to the brightness of freedom, peace and joy?