First, an understanding of my use of the terminology COVERT MALIGNANT NARCISSIST
Definition of COVERT: not openly shown, engaged in, or avowed: VEILED
Definition of MALIGNANT:
1: tending to produce death or deterioration.
2: a: evil in nature, influence, or effect: INJURIOUS.
b: passionately and relentlessly malevolent: aggressively malicious
c: MALCONTENT, DISAFFECTED.
Definition of MALCONTENT: a discontented person: One who bears a grudge from a sense of grievance or thwarted ambition.
Definition of DISAFFECTED: discontented and resentful especially against authority: REBELLIOUS
Definition of NARCISSIST: an individual showing symptoms of or suffering from narcissism: such as:
a: an extremely self-centered person who has an exaggerated sense of self-importance.
also : a person affected with narcissistic personality disorder.
b: a person who is overly concerned with his or her physical appearance.
Defining each word individually is important since at some point they will be used independently of each other.
I will redundantly clarify that I do not have a college or medical degree in psychology. My knowledge and understanding comes from two defining situations in my life. Ten years into my marriage my then husband informed me that I was going to get a telephone call from the county sheriff’s department and that when they told me what he did, he did do it. When that call came and I went to see them, I was informed that my spouse had been sexually molesting a teenage girl for two years. Pressure was put on me to stay with him and because of that decision I was thrust into the world of psychiatric treatment. Because I stayed, the court ordered psychiatrist insisted that I come to some of my spouse’s sessions so that he could inform me what would be involved with my husband’s treatment. I didn’t realize how deviant his mind was and due to my fear did not recognize that he had a plan for everything. He found an attorney who made a loop-hole and after 2 years of sexually abusing that teen he spent a mere 10 days in county jail.
The second defining moment happened after 20 years of dealing with a man who, it became clear, did not have a repentant heart. After 15 years of going through the trenches with him, he informed me that he didn’t love me any longer. He did not, however, want a divorce. He just wanted to live under the same roof, him living his life and I could live mine. I battled this demon for the next 5 years, repeatedly catching him in sexually deviant activities, telephone calls with his narcissistic ‘supply’, marriage counseling sessions where ultimately the psychologist warned me to be prepared for divorce. Finally, I walked away.
I was not prepared by any stretch for what was to ensue. Had I understood I would have done things so very differently. The reality is that I could not begin to comprehend the evil sinister thought process he used. Since I did not do what was expected of me and it was imperative that no one believe me should I talk, a smear campaign of epic proportions resulted. A practiced lifetime of a double life had him well prepared. He told me we could settle out of court with an arbitrator. A set up. He wanted to know what I felt was fair and unbeknownst to me left that meeting with the information he needed to begin to rape our assets before legal action was taken. After months of his procrastination I filed for divorce. It was only then that I found out he’d hired a corrupt attorney who had schooled him on how to get everything and leave me destitute.
During the discovery process of my divorce my estranged husband and his attorney were ignoring our legal requests for documents. A delay tactic while he continued to stop paying bills to exaggerate his debt load. He opened new bank accounts that he didn’t disclose, put assets in the name of our adult children who had sold out to his version of why we were divorcing. As the stalling continued I asked my attorney why he was doing this. Two descriptive terms used by my attorney and his legal secretary sent me on a 10 year journey of research: Sociopath and Narcissist. My attorney and my pastor both strongly recommended “no contact’ with my ex-husband. That is an ultimate slap-down to the narcissistic mind who uses your reactions to his abuse to feed his perverted mind. Retaliation will ultimately be their goal.
I can’t change the past. I can’t change the present. My ex-husband has for the last 10 years continued to try to suck me into his web. I was awarded spousal support and he was ordered to keep a life insurance policy on himself with me a beneficiary should he meet an untimely death. I have no record of the insurance policy, he refuses to supply it. He has rarely in these 10 years been current on support. I can’t change what is for me. Prayerfully, however, I may be able to give enough insight into the Malignant Narcissistic mind to help other women, attorney’s, counselor’s and pastor’s recognize the evil that through my research I have found to be prevalent today.
I will continue in future blogs to share examples of my experience. It is not my goal to use this blog for venting. Ultimately I want to get to the place of sharing only the process of healing that I went through. But to get there we have to go through here.